safe...

my husband and i had a date night last night...the first one in a while. sure we have dinner together, we do stuff together...we actually work together most of the time--but that's probably why we don't do "date night", because we do see each other throughout the day, every day.

i am so thankful for both circumstances, and last night showed me that even though we do see each other, we can always see each other more. that working together isn't the same as just being together. that i do, in fact, adore "just hangin'"sometimes.

we live in nashville, right in the thick of the vanderbilt campus. students live all around us, our neighbor is a math professor. we love the energy in our neighborhood, and we love the fact that we can walk everywhere. last night, mase took me to a vandy baseball game. we walked there and made it in time for the first pitch, we hung out and watched until the 8th inning...vandy was clearly going to win...and then we walked to one of our favorite dinner spots--chipotle, enjoyed a quick bite, and then walked back home. it was simple and lovely.

nights like those make me feel safe. i don't know if any of you have ever been in a terrible relationship, but before my husband, i feel like i was the queen of them. it wasn't that the guys were so bad (and by the way, not all my past relationships were bad at all) but that we were just so clearly incompatible. incompatibility can be lethal. so can someone who doesn't respect you in the slightest bit. i had a couple of those...and once it got pretty verbally abusive.

that's why i feel safe. my husband makes our relationship a place where i can be myself, have my quirks, and all the while, be challenged. being safe doesn't mean i don't try anymore. it means i try harder because i'm not so freaked out about doing something a little wrong. i'm not afraid of falling more and more in love with him because i know he is trustworthy. i'm not afraid to fall because i know he'll catch me. and i knew it from the moment i met him.

you should have seen me...june 19, 2010 (i can't believe it's almost 3 years)...at starbucks in brentwood, tn. sitting together while the baristas are packing up. and i'm sunburnt in weird places, wet hair, no makeup. and i am immediately overtaken by this trust i feel...and this want to share all about myself, the mistakes i've made, the crap i've gone through, the bad things....why? i have no idea. i guess i wanted to make sure he knew i was flawed right from the start. i was worried he would think of me just the same as when we were in high school, when we didn't really know each other, and i didn't want him to think i was without some baggage, that i was light and airy. because on june 19, 2010, i was not light or airy. i was heavy and scarred and scared. i had just gotten out of a really trying relationship. it tested my ability to love myself enough to be loved...i almost failed.

but there he was. mason. my mase. my husband. and here we are. and there i was, last night, tonight, and always... safe.

if you haven't found  your one and only. if you are afraid that you never will.... trust me: you will. when God sent mase to rescue me, i had thought it would never happen to me. but it did. and now i can't really remember all the bad days...i take that back, i remember them. BUT they don't have the same effect on my heart or my soul :)

i got reallllly heavy tonight. oops!

ahr